


Queer Eye for the Master of Magnetism? Oh My!

by heyjupiter



Series: When Things Start Getting Real [4]
Category: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy RPF, X-Men (Original Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Alcohol, Crossover, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-14
Packaged: 2019-10-27 23:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17776088
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heyjupiter/pseuds/heyjupiter
Summary: Pietro knows his father is too stubborn to reconcile with Charles on his own, but maybe the Fab 5 can persuade him to leave his lair and return to Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters? If not, at least they can get him a new cape.





	Queer Eye for the Master of Magnetism? Oh My!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Red](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red/gifts).



> I offered to write a Marvel reality television fusion for the [2018 Marvel Trumps Hate auction](2018%20Marvel%20Trumps%20Hate%20auction), and my lovely winning bidder Red requested Magneto getting a Queer Eye makeover! Thanks to him for his generous donations to [Life After Hate](https://www.lifeafterhate.org/) and [Rainbow Railroad](https://www.rainbowrailroad.com/), and for the fun request!
> 
> Thanks also to cygnaut for beta reading!
> 
> This fic is set sort of pre-X-Men 1, but with some hand-waves to timeline, in the traditional Marvel style. (Was Pietro a teenager in the 70s? Was he also a teenager in 2000? How old is he now? If Marvel doesn't have to pick, neither do I.) At any rate, the home the Fab 5 are visiting [is that rocky island cave situation from the 2000 movie](https://imgur.com/r/MovieDetails/xA5oG), but before he's gotten around to kidnapping any teens. There are a few references made to the alternate timeline movies, but they're not critical for following the plot here.

_INT: Fab 5 Truck_  
ANTONI: Are we in the right place?

BOBBY:  
_(Consults iPad)_  
Yes, our directions say we should park at this pier and we'll be met by a boat.

JONATHAN:  
I wish I would have worn more nautical accessories.

BOBBY:  
I don't think we're going to spend much time on the boat. We're not cruising, we just need to get to the home of this week's very special guest, who lives in a secluded island.

KARAMO:  
Do you mean "on" a secluded island?

BOBBY:  
No.

TAN:  
Who are we visiting?

BOBBY:  
His name is Erik Lehnsherr, but you might know him better as Magneto, the Master of Magnetism.

ANTONI:  
Uh...doesn't he, you know...hate humans?

JONATHAN:  
Some days, don't we all, though? I mean...that's a mood.

ANTONI:  
But like, _we're_ humans. He's made several public vows to kill all humans.

BOBBY:  
He's signed extensive paperwork promising to let us live.

ANTONI:  
_(Nervous expression)_

JONATHAN:  
Anyway, isn't he retired? It's been a long time since he's, you know, taken over all news broadcasts to promise to eradicate all human life, or whatevs.

TAN:  
But the police know where we're going, right? Or the FBI? The X-Men? Excalibur? _Someone_?

BOBBY:  
Yes! I'm pretty sure.

JONATHAN:  
I'm going on record: I want Cher to perform at our funeral if we die. Or is that too cliche? Maybe Carly Rae Jepsen. 

BOBBY:  
We're not going to die!

JONATHAN:  
Ooh, no, a hologram of Freddie Mercury. Netflix can make that happen, right?

BOBBY:  
_(Clears throat)_  
Erik was nominated by his son, Pietro. Let's hear what he has to say.

 _INT: Office_  
PIETRO:  
It pains me to say this, but my dad totally needs to get back together with his ex-boyfriend, Charles. They used to date, like, forever ago. Apparently it was true love--way more than whatever he felt for my mom. It's fine, she can do better. Anyway, Erik and Charles are both mopey as hell about it in their own way, but he's the one who went off to sulk by himself with his cape. He--

CHARLES:  
_(Offscreen)_  
Pietro, are you using my office to record reality television application videos?

PIETRO:  
You obviously know that I am.

CHARLES:  
_(Sighs)_

PIETRO:  
_(Gestures at room)_  
You gotta admit, it makes a real classy backdrop.

CHARLES:  
The library would work just as well.

PIETRO:  
Hey, come here, why don't you tell the Queer Eye guys what my dad is like? I'm sure they'd love to hear about him from someone who actually knew him.  
_(Moves camera)_

CHARLES:  
_(Obviously flustered)_  
Oh, well, Erik is...is...has obviously made some missteps in his pursuit of justice for mutants, no one can doubt that, but he...his heart is in the right place. He's done so much for the cause of equality. He's endured unimaginable trauma and he--

PIETRO:  
_(Suddenly appears behind Charles_ )  
Okay, sure, but what do you think about his cape? Don't you think he could use a new look?

CHARLES:  
I've always found the cape rather dashing, to be honest. Although I do miss that leather jacket he used to wear...

PIETRO:  
Ugh. Would you tell him that he can come back and live at the school if he gets a makeover?

CHARLES:  
Erik has always had an open invitation to return to the school whenever he likes, however he's dressed. He knows that. It's his choice to stay away.

PIETRO:  
Okay, but wouldn't you _rather_ if he--

CHARLES:  
\--I don't think this line of questioning is productive.

PIETRO:  
Yeah, I guess it's not like _you're_ known for your sense of style, either.

CHARLES:  
That's not what I meant.

PIETRO:  
Do you have anything else you want to say to Erik?

CHARLES:  
_(Sighs)_  
Oh, there are a lot of things I'd like to say to Erik, whenever he's ready to listen. Why don't you finish up this video elsewhere?

PIETRO:  
Whatever, I think I have everything I need.  
_(Motion blur)_  
Anyway, seriously, as you can see, those two are both old AF. Call me sentimental, but I think they should probably get back together before they die. But obviously I can't just tell my dad that, I mean, like he ever listens to me anyway? So, like, yeah, maybe the Fab 5 can help? Somehow? I dunno, it's worth a shot.

 _INT: Lair_  
ERIK:  
I'm doubtful that these humans will have anything to teach me, but I suppose it couldn't hurt to have another venue to promote mutant rights. How many viewers did you say this show gets? Hmm.

 _INT: Fab 5 Truck_  
JONATHAN:  
Aww, that is so cute! Let's do it for love.

RAVEN:  
_(Taps on window)_

KARAMO:  
Oh! I think our ride is here.

JONATHAN:  
Wow, she is looking _fierce_. Literally. And figuratively.

 _EXT: Pier_  
RAVEN:  
I need to check you all for weapons.

ANTONI:  
Whoa, we're here to make love, not war.

RAVEN:  
Then this won't take long. And you'll have to turn off the cameras until we get there. For privacy.

_(Fade to black)_

_INT: Magneto's Lair_  
KARAMO:  
Well...this is all certainly...a feat of engineering.

BOBBY:  
I'm not sure where to begin with all of this.

JONATHAN:  
Whoa, look at the floating anal beads!

ERIK:  
It's a Newton's cradle. Who are you? Where did you come from? Who taught you physics?

KARAMO:  
We're the Fab 5. We're here to help.

ERIK:  
What made you think I need help?

KARAMO:  
Well...you agreed to be on the show. You sent in a response video? You signed the contract?

RAVEN:  
Ah. I can explain.  
_(Shifts to copy Erik)_  
Forgery is among my many skills.

TAN:  
...Well, I have some concerns.

RAVEN:  
_(Shifts back, shrugs)_  
It doesn't matter. You all don't have a way off this island without me, so I suggest you get to work helping Erik.

ERIK:  
What is the meaning of this? I don't need any _help_. Certainly not from humans.

RAVEN:  
You do, Erik. I'm sick of your moping, and I'm sick of living inside this rock. It's _cold_. _You're_ the one who convinced me not to wear clothes.

ERIK:  
You don't have to stay.

RAVEN:  
What, and leave you alone? I don't think so. Who knows what you'd get up to?  
_(Gestures at Erik and turns to Fab 5_ )  
Fix this, and I'll take you back to the mainland.

KARAMO:  
Uh, that's not how our show usually works...

RAVEN:  
Well, I suggest you make it work.  
_(Exits)_

TAN:  
_(Softly)_  
That's _Project Runway_.

JONATHAN:  
So, Magneto, could you pretty please take your shiny little helmet off so I could see what I have to work with here?

ERIK:  
_(Holds up hands)_  
Who are you?

JONATHAN:  
Hi, I'm Jonathan! We're here from the show Queer Eye. We're here to help you live your best life. Starting with your best hair.

ERIK:  
_(Snorts)_  
I don't need help, least of all from some _humans_.

JONATHAN:  
God couldn't make me a mutant because I'd be just too powerful.

BOBBY:  
Sure, Jonathan.

TAN:  
You know, your son and your ex nominated you for our show.

ERIK:  
Charles? You saw Charles? How is he?

TAN:  
...We just saw the video he made, but he seemed like he was doing well.

ERIK:  
Good. Good.

JONATHAN:  
Anyway, so I'd love to take a peek at your bathroom, see what kind of products you're using for that gorgeous mane of yours.

ERIK:  
What did he say about me, exactly?

KARAMO:  
If you cooperate with us, we'll show you the video.

ERIK:  
_(Summons metal balls to his hand)_

RAVEN:  
_(Calls from off-screen)_  
Erik, darling, it will be terribly messy if you kill them, and to what end?

ERIK:  
_(Drops metal balls on his desk)_  
Very well, we'll try it your way.

 _INT: Bathroom_  
BOBBY:  
It's really impressive that you have running water out here.

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

BOBBY:  
I mean, mutant abilities must come in so handy for contracting.

ERIK:  
We're homo superior for a reason.

JONATHAN:  
Hey, we're pretty superior homos, too.

ERIK:  
Cheap humor won't save you.

JONATHAN:  
Oh no! Cheap humor is all I have. Well, that, and my beautiful hair. And my fierce dance moves. And my successful podcast. And these shoes.

BOBBY:  
Let's try to stay focused.

JONATHAN:  
Right, right. Well, let's see. You have some serious power eyebrows, that much is obvious. But Maggie, could you please please take that helmet off so I could get just a peek at that hair? It'll really help move things along.

ERIK:  
_(Sighs, removes helmet)_

JONATHAN:  
_(Gasps_ )  
You have been hiding your light under a bushel! Like, you're beyond silver fox, honey, you're like a silver _lion_. Even with the helmet hair.

ERIK:  
The helmet serves a practical purpose.

JONATHAN:  
But at what cost?

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

JONATHAN:  
So do you usually cut your own hair or do you know someone with like, mutant styling ability?

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

JONATHAN:  
Is it Wolverine?

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

JONATHAN:  
Well, since I'm here, could I just give your hair a teeny tiny trim? C'mon, don't you want to look your best when you see Charles?

ERIK:  
_(Wistfully)_  
Charles used to have the most wonderful hair.

JONATHAN:  
Well, you still do, but I could help it look just a _skosh_ better than it already does.

ERIK:  
...Very well.

JONATHAN:  
Let's get started, henny.  
_(Washes Erik's hair)_  
Soo, you _are_ interested in reconnecting with Charles?

ERIK:  
I...suppose. He, ah, I admire the work he's done for mutant rights.

JONATHAN:  
Mm-hmm. I heard you were a co-founder of his school?

ERIK:  
Hmm. In a way. He said that?

JONATHAN:  
_(Starts cutting Erik's hair)_  
Mm-hmm, he sure did. Soo how come you're out here living inside of a rock instead of in that gorgeous mansion?

ERIK:  
We had some...differences of opinions.

JONATHAN:  
But it sounds like you really want the same things, big picture. Equality! 

ERIK:  
Hmm.

JONATHAN:  
Do you have a blow dryer?

ERIK:  
No.

JONATHAN:  
Okay, I guess we'll just towel dry this...but I'm not letting you look in the mirror until she's had a chance to air dry, so you get the full effect of my hard work. But, spoiler, you're gorj.

ERIK:  
I spent ten years in prison for a crime I didn't commit, so I suppose I can wait a few minutes to see a haircut.

JONATHAN:  
Damn, girl.

ERIK:  
It was technically in another timeline, but nevertheless the indignation remains. 

JONATHAN:  
Oh, totally, like one time this hostess gave away my brunch reservation to Johnny Weir! Of course it totally worked out in the end and now Johnny and I follow each other on Instagram, but in the moment it was like, _how very dare_.

ERIK:  
...Yes, that is precisely an equivalent outrage.

JONATHAN:  
Anyway, so, your hair is obvi fierce, but what's your skincare regimen like? You know, your skin loses elasticity with age, so it's extra important to give her some TLC.

ERIK:  
_(Looks at camera)_  
This is unseemly to discuss.

JONATHAN:  
No way, it's the 21st century! We're all about openness.  
_(Opens cabinet)_  
Aha! Moisturizer. This is great. You're doing amazing, honey. So many men completely neglect their skincare.

ERIK:  
It's important that I look my best when I appear on television.

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
JONATHAN:  
If you're ever on television, you'll probably have a makeup artist on set who can help you out. But if you're just filming yourself, maybe for a vlog or maybe to issue threats on world leaders, who can say...anyway the most important thing to have on hand is a blotting powder to cut down on face shine.

 _INT: Bathroom_  
JONATHAN:  
Well, mission accomplished! Honestly, you are making supervillainy look good.

ERIK:  
I don't like the term "supervillain." I'm a civil rights activist.

JONATHAN:  
Yasss! Go off!

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

JONATHAN:  
_(Admires self in mirror)_  
You know, this is actually a really nice bathroom, for being inside a super...activist lair. 

ERIK:  
...Thank you, I built it myself.

JONATHAN:  
Anyway, you know, our show has millions of viewers. This is a great platform for you and your activism.

ERIK:  
_(Looks into camera)_  
Humans, your time of supremacy over mutants is at an end. 

TAN:  
\--You know what, why don't we move on and take a look at your wardrobe?

ERIK:  
If we must.

JONATHAN:  
Don't you dare put that helmet back on until your hair has dried!

 _INT: Bedroom_  
TAN:  
I have to say, I like a man who's committed to a color scheme. Black, maroon, and purple. 

ERIK:  
Also grey.

TAN:  
Right, of course. 

ERIK:  
More of a charcoal, really.

TAN:  
And you clearly know the value of a signature statement piece, in your case a cape.

ERIK:  
I'm keeping the cape.

TAN:  
Look, we're not here to take away all your things and change everything about you. If the cape is working for you, keep the cape.

ERIK:  
The cape instills fear and respect!

TAN:  
I said you can keep the cape.

ERIK:  
Good, because I'd like to see you try to take it from me.

TAN:  
I'm not! I just want to make sure you have other options for when the occasion calls for them!  
_(Holds up black turtleneck)_  
This has sort of a timeless, classic appeal. Very James Bond.

ERIK:  
I have more useful skills than James Bond.

TAN:  
Of course.

ERIK:  
He's a human. And a colonialist oppressor.

TAN:  
I'm British Pakistani, you don't have to tell me twice about that.

ERIK:  
Ah. Indeed.

TAN:  
So, okay, James Bond's turtleneck is very Magneto. Is that better?

ERIK:  
It's irrelevant.

TAN:  
...Right. Ah, let's see. This suit, very timeless.

ERIK:  
I know.

TAN:  
So, I see a lot of formal looks. What clothing do you wear to relax?

ERIK:  
I never relax. 

TAN:  
Never?

ERIK:  
I suppose I wear pajamas when I sleep.

TAN:  
You've spent years working for the cause of mutant rights. Don't you think you've earned a bit of a holiday?

ERIK:  
Not until true mutant equality is achieved.

TAN:  
You know, the other members of the Fab 5 and I, we're activists too. But we still have to take some time for ourselves, to prevent burnout.

ERIK:  
That makes sense, as humans are more weak-willed than mutants.

TAN:  
...Anyway, normally on this program, we take our heroes out for a bit of a shopping spree, but, uh, I suppose we can't leave this island, so…do you do much online shopping?

ERIK:  
My clothes are custom tailored.

TAN:  
Great. Ah, are you looking to place any orders with them soon, or...

ERIK:  
My tailor's identity is confidential.

TAN:  
Sure, okay, we all have our little fashion secrets.

ERIK:  
Tell me, what was Charles wearing? When you saw him? How did he look.

TAN:  
Ah, I believe it was....

ERIK:  
Was he wearing a cardigan? Maybe that blue one?

TAN:  
He looked very put-together.

ERIK:  
Did he say anything about my cape?

TAN:  
He did mention it, actually.

ERIK:  
_(Levitating slightly off the ground)_  
And what did he say?

TAN:  
I believe he said it was dashing.

ERIK:  
_(Nods once)_  
As I suspected.

TAN:  
Yes. Well. Ah...why don't we go see what Karamo is up to?

ERIK:  
_(Shrugs, flips cape)_

 _INT: Lair_  
KARAMO:  
So--should I call you Erik or Magneto?

ERIK:  
I prefer that humans call me Magneto.

KARAMO:  
Okay, sure. So, tell me, Magneto, what do you do with your leisure time?

ERIK:  
I keep very busy. The cause never sleeps.

KARAMO:  
Sure, but you must have _some_ leisure time. It's been awhile since your last...media appearance.

ERIK:  
Some of our work is best done in darkness.

KARAMO:  
...Okay, you know what, I'm not going to touch that. But still, surely you have some activities you do when you're not, ah, fighting for mutant equality.

ERIK:  
...I play chess.

KARAMO:  
Hmm. Charles had quite an impressive chess set in his office.

ERIK:  
I'm familiar with it.

KARAMO:  
Living here, it's pretty isolated. Do you play chess with Mystique?

ERIK:  
I play against myself, or I work on chess problems.

KARAMO:  
You ever play online?

ERIK:  
There are very few other players on my level.

KARAMO:  
But Charles is one of them?

ERIK:  
Well, he cheats, you know.

KARAMO:  
I see. 

ERIK:  
Still, I...suppose it is more enjoyable to play against him than against myself.

KARAMO:  
You know, Charles said you had an open invitation to return to the school whenever you liked. Why don't you?

ERIK:  
It's complicated.

KARAMO:  
I'm a pretty smart guy, you could try to explain it to me. I'll do my best to keep up.

ERIK:  
You know the world is a dangerous place for young mutants, and Charles does his best to provide a safe place for them.

KARAMO:  
Yes, and I know he'd appreciate your help at the school.

ERIK:  
_(Shakes head)_  
No, my role must be separate. Charles offers a velvet glove, but I must be the iron fist.

KARAMO:  
Are you sure that's really necessary? Times have changed. People are more accepting now. I mean, I'm a queer black man and I have a TV show and a book deal.

ERIK:  
A human man. Besides, from what I hear, things still aren't so great for black men in this country.

KARAMO:  
That's fair, actually. But I think things are getting better because of open communication, not violence.

ERIK:  
_(Nods)_  
That's what Charles thinks.

KARAMO:  
Well...he seems like a pretty smart guy. 

ERIK:  
Of course he is. Who ever said he wasn't?

KARAMO:  
...So, for fun, you play chess by yourself. Anything else?

ERIK:  
...Sometimes I enjoy reading classic works of literature.

KARAMO:  
That's a lovely hobby. You know, it looked like Charles had a lot of books in his office.

ERIK:  
_(Dreamily)_  
Not to mention his library.

KARAMO:  
Do you ever borrow books from him?

ERIK:  
_(Crosses arms)_  
Just because I wasn't born into obscene wealth doesn't mean I'm not perfectly capable of acquiring my own reading material.

KARAMO:  
Of course, I didn't mean to imply otherwise. Just that sometimes it's nice to have someone to share books with. Maybe have a nice discussion...like a book club?

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

KARAMO:  
You know what, this is honestly still less awkward than the time I had to help a Trump-loving cop.

ERIK:  
_(Laughs)_  
Oh dear. Tell me, what are you getting out of this?

KARAMO:  
Well, for starters, I'm really hoping you won't kill us.

ERIK:  
Ah, Raven's right, there wouldn't be any political gain to be had from your deaths. It would only serve to incite backlash against mutants.

KARAMO:  
Well, that's good to hear.

ERIK:  
But seriously, why are you here? Five humans, here to give the master of magnetism a...a makeover? Are you truly so desperate for television ratings?

KARAMO:  
Oh, no, our show is very successful. 

ERIK:  
So why are you here?

KARAMO:  
We were truly moved by Pietro and Charles's video nomination for you. We thought maybe we could help. Also, ah, apparently Mystique invited us under false pretenses. We certainly wouldn't have come here if we knew it was against your will. We get hundreds of people who _want_ us to help them, we don't have time to take boats out to the middle of nowhere to help people who don't want to change. So if you're really happy playing chess by yourself and reading your same old books, there's not much else I can do for you.

ERIK:  
I could have told you that much.

KARAMO:  
You know, one of the things I hear the most from people who watch this show, from young people, is that we inspire young people by showing them that queer adults can have happy, vibrant lives. That's something that's really important to me. There are going to be a lot of young mutants who watch this show. What kind of life would you like to show them?

ERIK:  
I'm not here to be an inspirational role model. I live my life the way I do so that young mutants can have a better life.

KARAMO:  
Okay. So it seems like you're pretty dedicated to living in an isolated island fortress without any hobbies. Why don't we move on to the kitchen to see what Antoni has to say?

ERIK:  
Very well.

 _INT: Kitchen_  
ANTONI:  
Hi! Could you tell me about your usual cooking routine?

ERIK:  
Oh, usually we have oatmeal for breakfast, soup for lunch, and something more substantial for dinner. 

ANTONI:  
I imagine it's hard to get fresh produce out here.

ERIK:  
_(Shrugs)_

ANTONI:  
I see a lot of canned vegetables…

ERIK:  
Yes. They're very practical.

ANTONI:  
Mmm-hmm, sure, but...don't you miss fresh flavors?

ERIK:  
Sacrifices must be made.

ANTONI:  
Are you sure that _these_ sacrifices must be made? Can't you work for your cause and still have fresh guac?

ERIK:  
...Do you have some?

ANTONI:  
What?

ERIK:  
Guacamole. You spoke of guacamole just now. Did you bring any?

ANTONI:  
Well, no, usually we come in and look at your kitchen and then go out shopping after. It's a whole thing? So I'm honestly not sure what we're doing here. I'm not prepared for this.  
_(Opens pantry)_  
I mean I guess we could make some salsa from canned vegetables? Or, uh...pasta sauce?

 _(Opens freezer)_  
Uh...do you do...much...entertaining?

ERIK:  
What do you think?

ANTONI:  
I'm just trying to make conversation.

ERIK:  
No. We do not do much entertaining.

ANTONI:  
Oh, but this is quite a wine collection!

ERIK:  
Would you like some?

ANTONI:  
_(Looks at watch)_  
You know what, why not.

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
ANTONI:  
White wine pairs nicely with fish or chicken. Red wine is perfect to drink when you're stranded on a remote island with a mutant terrorist who hates all humans!

 _INT: Kitchen_  
ERIK:  
_(Waves hand, uses mutant powers to corkscrew open a bottle)_

ANTONI:  
Wow, that's a great party trick!

ERIK:  
_(Pours two glasses)_

ANTONI:  
_(Lifts glass)_  
Let's toast! To…

ERIK:  
_(Lifts glass)_  
To mutant equality.

ANTONI:  
_(Clinks glass)_  
To mutant equality! 

_(Sips)_  
Wow, this wine is incredible. Wow. What is this?

ERIK:  
It's a 1961 Petrus.

ANTONI:  
Oh my _god_. I read about this vintage. It was on blog post called "5 Wines to Try If You Ever Date a Super Rich Person."

ERIK:  
I stole it from Charles. Did you see his wine cellar?

ANTONI:  
Remind me again why you don't just live there?

ERIK:  
I have everything I need here.

ANTONI:  
_Do you?_

ERIK:  
_(Drinks)_

_INT: Kitchen, later_

JONATHAN & KARAMO:  
_(Enter)_

JONATHAN:  
Oh my goddess, were you two having a party in here without the rest of us?

ANTONI:  
_(Giggling)_  
It's...he has...it's really good wine, you guys. There's no food but there's...wine.

ERIK:  
_Where_ are my manners? Would you like some wine, humans?

JONATHAN:  
I can't believe I have to be the one to say this, but I think you two have had enough?

ERIK:  
Nonsense, there are still plenty of bottles left.

JONATHAN:  
_(Gathers up empty bottles)_  
Do...you have a recycling bin, or what do you do with these? Ooh, we could put letters in them and throw them out to sea?

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
JONATHAN:  
Actually you should _not_ put messages in bottles in the ocean, no matter how beautiful and romantic it sounds! Our oceans are already so full of garbage. It's a real mess, babies! Save the turtles!

 _INT: Kitchen_  
JONATHAN:  
Wow. Antoni, did you two even cook anything? What have you been up to?

ANTONI:  
_(Gestures with empty wine glass)_  
There's no avocados.

ERIK:  
I miss guacamole. I love guacamole. 

JONATHAN:  
Oh, Boise.  
_(Opens cabinet)_  
Here, Oreos. Eat these, I guess? And some water. You better hydrate.

ERIK:  
_(Wistfully)_  
Charles used to eat Oreos.

JONATHAN:  
Wow, you two have so much in common.

ANTONI:  
That's so beautiful. Love is so beautiful.

JONATHAN:  
All you need is love! And maybe some wine.  
_(Pours wine for self & Karamo)_

ANTONI:  
Ooh, top me up.  
_(Holds out wine glass)_

ERIK:  
_(Still wistful)_  
Charles used to ask me to top him.

JONATHAN:  
Yasss!  
_(Raises glass)_  
I'll drink to that!

BOBBY:  
_(Enters)_  
Oh, here you all are. Wow, Antoni, you made...Oreos and wine?

ANTONI:  
Red wine pairs well with Oreos. Party. Tip.

BOBBY:  
Well, I can't argue with that.

ANTONI:  
Have some wine, Bobby, it's really (bleep)ing good wine.

BOBBY:  
I might as well, since I can't seem to do my actual job.  
_(Pours self a glass of wine, sips)_  
(Bleep), this _is_ good wine.

ANTONI:  
I know, I told you. And I'm the food and drink expert.

JONATHAN:  
Yeah, you are!

BOBBY:  
Anyway, look, uh, Erik, my professional opinion is that it's amazing that you've made this rock habitable at all.

ERIK:  
Thank you.

BOBBY:  
But it's _barely_ habitable, and I can't do anything about it. I can't bring in contractors, I can't run out for some paint to brighten up the walls...I can't even rearrange the furniture. It's all metal and it's all really heavy.

ERIK:  
_I_ can rearrange the furniture.  
_(Levitates chair)_

BOBBY:  
Because it's all metal, yeah, I get it. But is it comfortable? Is literally anything in here comfortable?

ERIK:  
Comfort is for the weak.

JONATHAN:  
Noo, comfort is amazing. When was the last time you sat on a soft chair? Like a nice soft chair. Like a _cloud_.

ERIK:  
_(Sips wine, sighs)_

BOBBY:  
You know, in that video, it looked like Charles's school has really soft chairs.

TAN:  
_(Enters)_  
I can't believe I've been missing the party!

ERIK:  
Were you trying on my capes?

TAN:  
Of course not. I have my own capes at home. Oh, this looks like good wine.  
_(Pours self a glass of wine)_

ERIK:  
I believe I've cooperated with you. I've let you into my home, even though it was under false pretenses. I let you touch my hair. I shared my wine with you.

ANTONI:  
_(Giggles)_  
Your stolen wine.

ERIK:  
_(Gestures with glass of wine)_  
Be that as it may. I believe the time has come for you to show me that much-discussed video that Charles made.

BOBBY:  
_(Shrugs)_  
Sure, maybe you'll listen to him.  
_(Passes tablet to Erik)_  
Here.

ERIK:  
_(Watches intently)_  
Well, that's preposterous. I have no plans on dying any time soon, if that's what Pietro is worried about.

JONATHAN:  
Yeah, your son seems kinda rude, TBH.

ERIK:  
I suppose I wasn't always the best parent. He's probably developed some unfavorable habits.

KARAMO:  
I actually think he might have gotten those from you.

ERIK:  
_(Considers, nods)_

ANTONI:  
But look, I'm going to be honest, we're all way more invested in your relationship with Charles than we are in your relationship with your son. No offense.

ERIK:  
No, I feel similarly. I suppose that's gauche to admit, but…  
_(Gestures with glass of wine)_

KARAMO:  
Well, it's never too late, you know. It seems like both Pietro and Charles would welcome you back into their lives.

ERIK:  
It's safer for them if I stay here.

JONATHAN:  
But that's not what they _want_. You know, what's that saying, a ship at harbor is safe, but it makes for a really terrible cruise?

ERIK:  
I don't think that's the saying.

JONATHAN:  
Well, _whatever_.

BOBBY:  
Hey, do you own this island, or are you just...occupying it?

ERIK:  
It isn't as if anyone else wants to live here.

BOBBY:  
Well, that's kind of my point. I mean, what's stopping you from going back to Xavier's school, just for a visit? You could always come back here, whenever you wanted.

ERIK:  
That's true. Even if it were a trap, there's no prison that could hold me!

JONATHAN:  
Love the spirit, but didn't you say you spent ten years in prison for a crime you didn't commit?

ERIK:  
_That was in a different timeline_. I'm stronger now!

JONATHAN:  
Alternate timeline, huh? Is that like the old _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy_ show compared to us?

ERIK:  
_(Stares)_

KARAMO:  
Let's just say it is. Okay, so that's huge, Erik! You agree that there's no reason why you shouldn't just go visit. 

ERIK:  
You're right! We should go now.

ANTONI:  
Yay!

ERIK:  
I'll get the boat.

TAN:  
Ah, I think we need a designated driver.

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
TAN:  
Don't drink and drive! Not even boats. Especially not boats?

KARAMO:  
Usually you can call an Uber, but I don't think they have boats. But that sounds like a great business opportunity! Shark Tank, call us.

 _INT: Kitchen_  
ERIK:  
I'm fine. I've only had a few glasses of wine.

JONATHAN:  
Bottles, honey. I think you've had a few bottles of wine.

ERIK:  
Well, it's very good wine.

ANTONI:  
It's _excellent_ wine.

TAN:  
No one is saying it isn't good wine. We're just saying that, ah, maybe you're not in the best condition to drive a boat right now.

JONATHAN:  
Even though we totally _love_ your enthusiasm.

BOBBY:  
I think I know where Mystique is. I spent some time navigating the maze of this place, trying to see if there was even one piece of furniture that wasn't made of solid metal.

ERIK:  
Let's all go.

JONATHAN:  
_(Chugs wine)_  
Let's!

 _INT: Office_  
ERIK:  
Raven, take us to the mainland!

RAVEN:  
_(Raises eyebrow)_  
That was fast.

KARAMO:  
We did our best.

JONATHAN:  
Plus Antoni got him drunk.

ERIK:  
I'm not drunk.

RAVEN:  
Wow, he is drunk.

ERIK:  
I'm not drunk! I just miss Charles. For reasons. And Pietro. For different reasons.

RAVEN:  
Thank god.  
_(Stands up)_  
Let's go.

ERIK:  
Wait, I need to put on my good cape.

RAVEN:  
This cape is fine.

TAN:  
No, I agree. This is a momentous occasion. He needs to put his best foot forward.

JONATHAN:  
And his best cape backward.

RAVEN:  
Fine. We'll meet at the dock when you're ready. The rest of you, good to go?

KARAMO:  
Yes, ma'am.

JONATHAN:  
Goodbye, supervillain island!

RAVEN:  
_(Sighs)_  
Well, I have to admit, you did better than I thought you would.

KARAMO:  
Thank you for your gracious hosting.

RAVEN:  
You're all still alive, aren't you?

TAN:  
That is a great point.

ALL:  
_(Board boat)_

_(Fade to black)_

_EXT: Pier_

KARAMO:  
Hey, someone's here.

ERIK:  
Charles?

CHARLES:  
_(Waves)_

RAVEN:  
Did one of you contact him?

ERIK:  
Ah. I took my helmet off.

CHARLES:  
And your hair looks _fantastic_!

ERIK:  
_(Climbs out of boat and into Charles's lap)_

CHARLES:  
_(Pleased)_  
Erik, you're drunk. Let's get some food and water into you, yeah?

ERIK:  
That isn't the only thing I want in me.

CHARLES:  
_(Laughs)_  
Oh, Erik. You're incorrigible. Raven? Are you coming with us?

RAVEN:  
I'll see you back at the school eventually. I have some other business to attend to.

CHARLES:  
Very well. You know you're always welcome. Erik, stop that. For the time being.

RAVEN:  
Thank you, Charles.

ERIK:  
Thank you, gays.

KARAMO:  
That's not...you know what, you're welcome. 

JONATHAN:  
Byeee, Magneto! Thanks for the wine!

ANTONI:  
And for not killing us!

RAVEN:  
He'd probably tell you "you're welcome" if he weren't so intent on kissing my brother. Actually, what am I saying, he probably wouldn't. But you did well. Thank you for your efforts.

BOBBY:  
I can't help but feel like we could have done more…

RAVEN:  
Oh, you did plenty. Goodbye.

FAB 5:  
_(Wave and exit)_

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
JONATHAN:  
Whew, what a trip that was. 

ANTONI:  
We survived!

TAN:  
And we reunited true love! So romantic.

BOBBY:  
But I still felt like we could have done more. So guess what, we went back for a quick follow-up visit to Xavier's School and did more!

 _EXT: Xavier's School_  
BOBBY (V/O):  
I brought a crew and installed some more wheelchair ramps at Xavier's school!

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
ANTONI:  
And I dropped off a gift basket of some fresh avocados and a stainless steel mortar and pestle so Erik can make guac.  
_(Holds up bowl of guacamole)_  
Like this!

JONATHAN:  
I dropped off some extra hair products, 'cause you can never have too many!

TAN:  
I still think he's doing fine, fashion-wise.

KARAMO:  
Well, let's check in on them!

 _INT: Kitchen at Xavier's_  
ERIK:  
I still can't believe you let Pietro nominate me for a _reality television show_.

CHARLES:  
I can't believe it worked! I'm so happy you're home, darling.

ERIK:  
_(Uses mutant powers to prepare guacamole)_  
I did miss fresh produce.

CHARLES:  
Oh? Is that the only thing you missed?

ERIK:  
Well, those Queer Eye boys drank most of my wine, so it's been lovely to be reunited with your wine cellar.

CHARLES:  
Mm-hmm.

ERIK:  
And Raven did have a point about that island being rather chilly.

CHARLES:  
It certainly looked that way.

ERIK:  
And, I suppose...I missed...your library.

CHARLES:  
It is a lovely library.

ERIK:  
_(Serves guacamole)_  
Would you like a cocktail?

CHARLES:  
Don't mind if I do.

ERIK:  
_(Uses mutant powers on cocktail shaker)_

 _INT: Fab 5 Loft_  
ANTONI:  
I wish I could do that. It'd be _so_ fun at parties.

JONATHAN:  
I'd rather be a shapeshifter, like Mystique. Imagine all the looks I could serve then!

TAN:  
I'd want to be a teleporter, like Nightcrawler. That would save me _so_ much hassle at airport security!

KARAMO:  
Ooh, that's a good one. But if I could pick I think I'd rather have wings like Angel.

JONATHAN:  
Ooh, you'd look _gorj_ with wings! What about you, Bobby?

BOBBY:  
I think I'd probably look gorj with wings, too. But in terms of mutant powers, telekinesis would be really handy. I could hang paintings without a ladder, I could lift lumber with my mind…

KARAMO:  
But then you wouldn't be able to get buff boys to help you carry things at Home Depot.

BOBBY:  
I'm sure I could find other uses for them.

 _INT: Kitchen at Xavier's_  
CHARLES:  
_(Smiles)_  
You're such a show-off, Erik.

ERIK:  
I rather thought you liked that about me.

CHARLES:  
Oh, I do, but…

ERIK:  
Ah.  
_(Waves hand)_

_(Fade to black)_

KARAMO:  
Did he just…

ANTONI:  
Hey, at least he didn't kill us!

JONATHAN:  
_(Raises glass)_  
I'll drink to that!

KARAMO:  
_(Raises glass)_  
Let's also drink to the cause of mutant rights!

FAB 5:  
_(Clink glasses)_

JONATHAN:  
Equality, hennies!


End file.
